#7thingsthatiwant

Truth. Acceptance. Sincerity. Love. Strength.

Patience.

Help.

gadistlena

genuine in existence

I had been floating still rushed high up crashed down low.

Often I looked upon the horizon, the beautiful, beautiful horizon
and wonder if someone would see me as part of the scenery.

Today, I am awakened
from the state of delirium.

Now that I've found my anchor,
nothing can stop me now from
being one with the world.

Sail me through, dear Lord. I am not afraid anymore.

I shall not lose this. I shall not take this for granted.
Oh God, thank you :') thank you :')

Now I can talk about the future
with great confidence.
Now I can talk about love
with deep faith.

I shall ride the wind, and catch the rainbow
and fall asleep under the sky.

Thank you.

The orchestra is playing my favourite songs.
I am so deep in love, so overwhelmed in this mercy.




gadistlena

burst into life

Your touch failed to sink
below the surface, and
I am waiting to burst into life.
The past is lingering.

Lingering in this present; in your presence,
cursing
the future.

I am still holding on waiting
to burst into life.

Ruptured is the hope
swallowed in by the raging sea.

And as you stand there, watching
we count our last breath.

And as I stand here, watching
we count, our last breath.

Behind us, the godsend creatures
have stopped
cheering us on
and we,
we are still waiting
to burst into life.

gadistlena

the contentment has moved on to something even better

I can feel God's love so intensely today. The way He steers me around - left to right, down to up; just to get me see the bigger picture of this incredible life.  I am loving the fact how God made me think about soulmates and how unrealistic the idea is, that that can only happen if you're a saint and you have the capability to perform miracles like Jesus; and then He put me right in the center of the whole thing and got my fingers numb with the inability to comprehend the whole thing - and that makes me feel humbled and happy at the same time.

Oh wow.

I also like the fact that God makes me legging it up to Him always. My body and soul need a little adjustment to this abundance of awesomeness.

I met a guy - he is the version of me in the form of a man. He's neither a saint nor a devil; just a normal guy you see everyday chilling with his friends, smoking while drinking teh tarik. He is everything I have been talking about to my roomate during our late night reflection episodes.

How I have always wanted to meet a man who is a thinker - a smart thinker, who sings to his emotions, who sees art as a breathing entity in this world, who would listen to me rambling nonsense while I am stoned, who respects me as a woman; a man who is calm and gentle and mysterious.

God spoke to me, "What, you asked that from me? Heh just you wait, I'll give you something better." And He groped inside his magic hat and handed me him.


Love,
gadistlena

the bell of life rings

Every human being is like a piece of puzzle,that has four sides of different shapes. Each side is (supposed to be) connected to different aspects of life. One - is connected to Needs. Two - Wants. Three - The Dark Side as the Master Jedi would put it.

And four - is Love.

We are all in search of finding the perfect puzzle pieces that can help us complete our little story, our little picture. Heh, guess what, I have found the perfect location where my little piece of puzzle should be.

They are connected on three of the four sides - except for the last.

During my journey here I have found a lot of other pieces that looked like they can fit on this side of mine. I took them and I forcibly put them there; and that hurt me - that hurt them. We simply did not fit well.

Hm, but I still believe there is one that will.

Will that piece find me? I hope so. No wait - I think it did. Just that at this moment, I am not brave enough to let it get close to me because - that piece of puzzle is so beautiful you don't want to hurt it. Or hurt yourself again. You know, you can't simply eliminate the chances that you might be wrong - again.

It is funny how you dream your dream, and when it is coming true (at the moment you least expect it) you freak out instead of feeling excited.

        Sigh.


Lots of love,
gadistlena

ps - I am right here on my ground. I haven't given up on big chances to come by. Just so you know.

what do you say to this?

I was ready to leave the house when I brag to my brother about the free Arsenal bag that I got from the AYFIC event. (He has everything Chelsea, you see, including the thing you put on Crocs - and yes my eight year old brother wears Crocs).

He rolled his eyes.

And then, out of the blue, my youngest brother - who is six - exclaimed;

"Eleh, tak heran. Adli ada bag 1Malaysia."

:')

Love,
gadistlena

jangan percaya hikayat pusaka

Sisipkan peluh dibahu disiku; dijari-jariku.
Runtunkan epilog hidup berlagu
Pantaskan sayap dipiring hitam
Padamkan cahaya kelabu malam,

Arus direntang senang senang
Ah. Senang, senang, senang. Hah.

Patah arang mencela terkedu
selimut putih kalam tersyahdu
Ukiran api berbentuk pisau
Tebarkan jala jauh merantau.

Tanah terlupa jasad berdiri?
Oih. Sarkastiknya.

Mereka mencipta wasiat hikayat
Lenturkan buluh sebelum terlambat
Yakinkan aku pun apalah guna?
Lebih senang untuk tak percaya,

Kalau terpancar jalan berliku
Sesatkan dahulu baru tahu
Heh, lenturkan buluh sebelum terlambat? Tak perlu.
Gaya ini juga ternyata hebat.

Berisiko, namun hebat.

Lebih hebat daripada buluh,

Jika rebung ia pada subuh
Cengal jati jadi pabila senja
Bernilai berharga hidupnya bernyawa
Berseni matinya tidak tersia;

Berpeganglah lagi pada hikayat pusaka!
Memang dah terbukti terelak neraka.
LOL.

Patah arang mencela terkedu
selimut putih kalam tersyahdu
Tebarkan jala biar jauh merantau
carilah galilah ambillah (semua),
usah kau risau.


Yang benar,
gadistlena

seems like we've been chasing tails, after all

When I got here my soul was in front of me staring at the blank weatherless sky. Reluctantly I ventured through the vast coldness with hope for the summer to show her face. As I sank deeper I read your poetry above the parchments. Slowly, very slowly the words you have spoken detach themselves,

Silently, the ink dissolves in salt. I never wanted to forget. That has never been my intention. Because this hope, has filled the glass like wine. It keeps refilling itself,

how strangely amusing that is!

I read your words beyond the parchments, and just as I felt I have understood something, I realize that I was reading them upside down.

howstrangelyamusing.

Love,

gadistlena

tell me more lies, Liar

Knowledge is a relative concept, anyway.

gadistlena

salmon that smells like dog crap

It doesn't matter what you are. Have you ever live?
I have lived.

You have? Does it taste like fish?

Spesifically, raw salmon. But it smelled like dog crap.
Lucky for you, you tried anyway.
Yep.

Love,
gadistlena

ps;

Ha ha ha!

if tomorrow morning you did not find me by your side

If tomorrow morning you did not find me by your side

Know that I wish I was the light that cures your blurry sight

I wish I could feel your weight rocking my stillness

As you move your face to greet my kisses.

If tomorrow morning you did not find me by your side

Please find the courage to continue to fight

You are always my reason to be

Even if being doesn’t want anything to do with me

If tomorrow morning you couldn’t snuggle inside my embrace

Don’t go back to sleep hoping for solace

Even if I wish I was the face in every face you see
I am also a firm believer in setting you free

If tomorrow morning you couldn’t find me by your side

Don’t hold on to your pillow tight

You must walk to the doors and open each door
And find all the things that you are in need for

Be found. Be found.

Love,

gadistlena

tentang berkata-kata, interaksi sekeliling dan juga angan-angan Mat Jenin

Selalu, dalam bicara kita gembira. Kita utarakan pelbagai kisah yang terjadi dalam dunia; tahun-tahun lepas, kelmarin, tadi; atau yang kisah yang bakal akan terjadi; kejap lagi, esok, lusa, tahun-tahun depan. Satu per satu topik diputar. Masa kita lupa. Kadangkala, dalam bicara kita sedih. Kita utarakan pelbagai kisah yang terjadi dalam dunia; tahun-tahun lepas, kelmarin, tadi. Atau, kisah yang mungkin akan terjadi. Kejap lagi. Esok. Lusa. Tahun-tahun depan.

Disinilah tempat tersimpannya sebab kenapa kita simpan semua manusia yang kita label sebagai rakan. Yang mampu menangis bersama, kita naiktaraf sedikit sebagai sahabat. Kita ketawa gembira, menangis sedih, dan kita biarkan jelas kepada dunia yang kita tidak akan mampu hidup sendirian.

Tapi, kita selalu sangat lupa satu elemen terpenting hidup tatkala kesemua cliche mengarut ini berlaku. Masa, masa kita lupa.

Iklan #1

Sebenarnya aku tidak suka menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Sebab Bahasa Melayu aku tidak pernah dapat A kecuali sewaktu SPM. Sedaya upaya aku cuba dulu, tapi sentiasa ada silap dalam stuktur ayat aku yang susah sangat cikgu tu nak faham apa dia. Walaupun English aku pun taklah fantastic mana, tapi aku perlu mengaku yang aku sentiasa rasa intimidated bila mahu menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Sebab English selalu dapat A, jadi walaupun sebenarnya entah apa-apa juga, aku lebih konfiden. Tapi hari ini biarlah aku berjanggal sendiri.

Iklan #2

Aku beritahu pada David, aku tidak tahu kenapa, tiap-tiap kali aku mahu berbicara kasual dengan orang sekeliling, aku akan campurkan Bahasa Melayu dan English. Aku tidak ingat bila kali terakhir aku berbicara straight dalam Bahasa Melayu. Tengok, aku buat lagi. Aku tersedar sesuatu; bila aku marah, dan mahu mengadu masalah, aku akan bertutur dalam English sebanyak lebih kurang 90%. Dan bila aku mahu mengorat orang pun, aku 'geli' kalau perbualan itu adalah dalam Bahasa Melayu. Kalau lelaki itu menjelaskan emosi dalam Bahasa Melayu, lagi lah. Potong terus. Serupa juga jika aku mahu membuat jenaka lucah. Jadi aku terfikir, mana datang mindset hina macam ni. Apa salah Bahasa Melayu? Aku rasa kalau aku berbicara dalam English sekalipun, sukar sekali untuk aku gunakan bahasa best giler ini 100%. Kenapa eh? David cakap, "I think that happens to anyone who speaks multiple languages." Iya ke? Itu bagi aku, suatu ulasan yang kurang kukuh. Kesian, Bahasa Melayu. Ish.

Iklan #3

Semua orang pun berangan tentang sesuatu. Oh, tapi aku berangan macam-macam. Sebabnya, aku terlampau banyak masa lapang dan aku tidak ada boyfriend. Jadi, aku berangan lah. Salah satu darinya adalah aku mahu menjadi pendekar pujangga bertaraf antarabangsa yang wise lagi hebat. Macam Khalil Gibran. Atau kalau bila aku ditakdirkan sampai tahap depresi melampau, aku boleh jadi Sylvia Plath. Dengan syarat aku kena mati bunuh diri dulu baru karya itu jadi epic. Kalau pengkritik nak gelarkan karya aku sebagai overrated sekali pun aku tak kisah. Janji ramai orang baca dan mampu hargai. Lagipun aku dah mati jadi kalau nak kisah pun memang tak boleh.

Oleh itu aku rangkakan satu pelan untuk misi ini. Bikin blog bukan murah malah percuma ini sebagai medium latihan. Sementara itu, timbul satu persoalan tentang tanggungjawab. (1) Adakah menulis, turut beerti yang aku perlu ada dedikasi terhadap memperkasakan bahasa, atau (2) aku dibenarkan untuk menulis gaya bersahaja dengan cara tersendiri dan melahirkan seni yang datang dari jiwa yang tak seberapa murni ini? Yang pertama, tanggungjawab kepada pembaca untuk mengerti dengan mendalami bahasa itu sendiri, dan yang kedua, tanggungjawab kepada diri untuk bebas mengekspresi. Untuk aku, seni itu amat penting dalam menempuh perjalanan jiwa. (Kalau kau dah baca karya Paulo Coelho yang berjudul The Witch of Portobello mungkin kau akan faham). Sebagai kesinambungan dari Iklan 2, kedua-dua bahasa yang aku fikir aku fasih benar, secara realiti masih ditaraf C+.

Jadi, bagaimana sebenarnya harus aku mula. Memanglah dengan lafaz Bismillah, tapi nak langkah kaki kanankah, atau kiri? Mungkin aku perlu fokus untuk meneguhkan satu bahasa dulu. Sudah rancak baru beralih ke bahasa lain. Aku perlu masuk Oxford dan belajar kesusasteraan slash literature ke? Aku tidak kisah masuk jika perlu. Tapi angan-angan yang lain semua tu, macam mana? Ha ha ha!

Masa.

Iklan tamat, berbalik kepada topik asal.

Aku gemar menghayati apa yang berlaku dalam hidup. Hidup diri sendiri, hidup orang lain, hidup secara general. Ini apa yang aku dapati:

Teramat jarang sekali, manusia sepi dari interaksi dengan apa yang ada di sekeliling. Rakan, sahabat, keluarga, bos. Internet, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube. Nokia, Sony Ericsson, Iphone, Blackberry. Roti canai, burger, teh tarik, mineral water, alkohol, dadah. Kereta, kasut, make-up. Buku, kelas, musik. Rokok. Tiket pergi Krabi. Duit. Terlampau banyak benda yang penting dalam hidup. Banyak gila. Literally. Manusia jadi literally gila kerana terjerat dengan kekeliruan. Keliru apa sebenarnya yang penting, keliru bagaimana susun atur tahap kepentingan semua yang tersurat ini. Semua pun mengadu penat, semua pun mula mengadu risau, semua pun berasa takut. Berselirat sangat apa yang tersurat, sedihnya, keputusan dari senario ini, ramai yang gagal melihat apa yang tersirat. Masa, terus berjalan.

Adalah amat perlu sekali, amat penting sekali untuk berinteraksi dengan diri sendiri. Interaksi dengan diri sendiri di sini bukan bermaksud giving yourself a handjob. Sebenarnya itulah juga tujuan aku menulis. Untuk berinteraksi dengan diri sendiri. Fikiran sendiri. Sebab, banyak perkara paling ajaib berlaku bila kita berbual dengan diri sendiri. Masa terus berjalan, hari-hari kita hampiri mati.

Terlampau bersendirian juga tidak bagus kerana interaksi dengan dunia luar dari diri sendiri penting untuk kita kumpulkan persoalan tentang hidup. Input. Jika tiada ini, kita akan tersekat pada satu takuk, tumbesaran jiwa terbantut. Berbicara dengan makhluk dalam dunia diri sendiri, akan menjawab segala persoalan yang perlu diselesaikan. Jika tiada input dari dunia luar, ini serupa macam mentadbir negara yang kosong. Pointless lah, kan? Okay, maybe not that pointless after all, jika itu yang membuat kau bahagia. Kita semua nak mati dengan bahagia, betul?

Terlampau banyak berbicara dengan dunia luar diri akan membuat kita keliru, risau dan takut. Terlampau banyak bersendiri akan membuat kita berasa kosong, lambat laun. Kita perlu sedar, jurang ini perlu dirapatkan.

Aku tidak boleh mengelak dari berpersepsi terhadap orang yang terlampau banyak berkata-kata. Apa aku maksudkan disini, adalah berkata-kata benda yang sebenarnya tidaklah penting mana. Mungkin aku juga tergolong dalam manusia jenis ini. Aku berfikir tentang apa yang manusia sejenis ini cuba buktikan. Adakah, adakah segala kata mereka (kita) ini sekadar untuk menutup kekalutan dunia dalam diri sendiri? If that is the case, then it is so pathetic. Even for myself. Aku tidak akan menghuraikan contoh disini sebab ini adalah cadangan topik diskusi bersama dunia dalam diri. Lagipun dah panjang sangat aku menulis. Ingat, masa masih dan akan terus berjalan.

Seperti semua rancangan tidak berbayar yang hebat, biasalah tu kalau iklan sama (atau lebih) panjang dengan subjek sebenar. Aku pun mahu terasa macam aku ini konon hebat.

Yang benar,

gadistlena

giggles

User: You don't seem so clever to me.

Cleverbot: True, because I have no idea what cleverbot is all about, so all I can think of is saying 'hi'.

User: If you don't then who does?

Cleverbot: Yet another good question! Where did you learn to be so smart.

User: University of Life.

Cleverbot: Ha.. The best university.

tuturkan padaku jalanku salah

Tidak peduli apa yang lebih tua
Tidak bersimpuh duduknya apa ku rasa
Diseberang sana aku berlagak bagai tahu
Ku gengam kemas, rapat sekali, semua yang ku mahu
Kau tuturkanlah jalanku salah
Lamunan panjang cari diskripsi diri
Bagai pahlawan perang menanti mati
Satu obsesi gagah menggegar
Misteri hidup, terus terus berlegar
Kalau labuhku panjang sejengkal
Salahkah aku tuk berbisik nakal?
Kalau dilautku hilang kemudi
Salahkah aku tuk terus menyanyi?
Kau tuturkanlah jalanku salah
Kau tuturkanlah padaku: "salah."
Sedangkan gendang harus sakit dipukul
Biar kau senang berjoget tari.
Sedangkan kipas tangan perlu sakit dilipat
Biar boleh kau guna banyak banyak kali.
Apalah Takdir kalau bukan hanya solusi
kepada semua teka teki?
HAHAHA. Ketawalah,
Dan tuturkan padaku jalanku salah.

Yang benar,
gadistlena

reaching perfection

Step inside; I shall listen to what you have to say.

Pour your thoughts upon my eyes, and let us satisfy our thirst of belonging onto each other. Take off your veil,
Let me see your face, clearly this time.
Ask me questions that can guide me into the Unseen.

The windmill in rotational motion, in the solid circle we sometimes forget that it has blades,
only that when they chase each other, they are complete
and fulfill their purpose.
Even if none of them ever be caught.

Let the wind blow hard, and turn them (us) into one.

Love,
gadistlena

voice of the friendly enemy

Eliminating you from existence is definitely a tough mission for me to execute. In my mind I curse you every time I am half-conscious. I got you chained by the neck, to the ground, and I could still remember the amount of courage and strength needed to accomplish just that. You were my prisoner, and I kept you still in silence, for quite a while until,

today when

I let my guard down, and you spoke to me words that weakened my soul. Even from this distance, I can hear you humming songs of an uprising. At this point of life, I sense that you are growing stronger.

Terrified,
gadistlena

hang in there

Life will save you. There's a beautiful, gigantic wing, hovering.

Love,

gadistlena

ps; don't come back as a different person.

zero cool

Think the world you live in is safe? Think again.

Love,
gadistlena

the coach once told me,

Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that, if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments.

Learn to let go of the past and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember that it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you? The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination.

Love,
gadistlena

the reflection in the mirror is no longer you

You came home and she wasn't there. And then she told you that. She said it is the truth. You refused to believe her. You called her a liar. You blamed her for your pain. You felt that you've lost her for good. You concluded that that frustration is the result from love; but how can it be love, when in your heart you want to believe that she is a bad, dishonest person. Your concious mind might not be present for this. Because friend, you have entered the first stage of grieving.

Denial.

You said you're done trying. You thought, you have done your best and things are beyond repair. You called it quit.  Everything was her fault. Her friend's fault. God's fault. She is no longer the person you knew before. But does it ever crossed your mind, that maybe, just maybe, you are the one who have became the person she no longer knows? This is what I think. Both of you deserve better. Better in a subjective manner. Because as far as I know, love, is all about sticking through with someone. About forgiving each other. Each and everytime.

Yours truly,

gadistlena

ps; maybe the person you've really lost is yourself, during all the sandstorms

the trembling faith

Things have got to be proven for us to believe in them. Let it be words or actions. Or miracles. Since men are forgetful by nature, we need to constantly be reminded to hold firm to what we believe in. Otherwise, a stronger force will come around and change us. We can't be loyal to something just because. There is no such thing as just because. Just like destiny, reason is also something that is never absent. When you see me spreading my wings going to fly, I hope you will find (see) the reason why.

Love,
gadistlena

freedom to (and from) desire

Lao Tzu once asked, your name or your person, which is dearer?  If I were to choose, I'd pick the latter. I asked him, and he said they are both equally important. Maybe he's right. However I can't help to wonder, what is the use of your name if your person is stinky and rotten. But then again, most people know how to pull off the hypocrisy costume they made for themselves, everyday of their lives.

All of us are going to return back to our destiny anyway. Like it or not. I guess at some point we have to learn to know when to stop.

Love,
gadistlena

"good job, homeboy"

gadistlena

she hates it, but I admire your guts

Electerrifying, but well, it is true. You proved to us that you are the world's best _______. The way you asked her to kneel before you; you grabbed her head and stomped on her face, after that you left her counting those countless missed calls on her phone, countless countless countless voice messages and you got her reading all the text messages that came in like those exciting trending hashtags timelines on twitter. Her tears dropped over the bruises on her face. You said you're sorry, and that you care, but yet you twisted your words and make it seem like she's the one at fault. Man, it messes with her head real good. Excellent work. Bravo.

Respect,

gadistlena

empty your pockets now, put in whatever is mine

It's like strolling in a city that is rich with history and culture with your most amazing, most loyal companion. Only that they don't carry misery in their bags and pockets like you do. They stop to eat and you just watch.

They go inside a boutique, and you stand outside, watching them browsing and trying on clothes through the glass window. Then you wish, if only they had misery in their bags and pockets like you do, you can keep on strolling, enjoying the beautiful scenery of the city, together, without feeling left out.

Love,
gadistlena

and now, I am the one riding in the backseat

We listen to crappy music. Everyone sings along to them and it's surprisingly fun. The car never stops if anyone wants a cigarette. I get to watch the empty backdrop on the other side of the window instead of having to help tell the driver that the light is red. I get to make fun of the army of clouds being pushed away by the notorious wind.

Last night, I watched you sleep. You were having those nightmares again. Oh darling, if I had the power to chase them away, I would. I reached for your hair, and for the first time, I touched you and blood drained out of my fingers. Then you stopped muttering. That put a smile on me; a confused smile of satisfaction and disgust. I love you, I whispered.

She is driving tonight. I'm cool with it. Since it is not her time to die, yet. Let her, let her.

Love,
gadistlena